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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590618">i can lay down next to you (but it’s all in my head)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisorient/pseuds/thisorient'>thisorient</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dare Me (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, F/F, Unrequited Crush, a study of addy's feelings, letaddybehappy2kforever</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:27:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisorient/pseuds/thisorient</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Addy smiles, soft. “Don’t miss your chance twice. Go."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>one sided Addy Hanlon/Colette French</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i can lay down next to you (but it’s all in my head)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>(not an addy x coach fic, rather, it's a study of addy's feelings. specifically during 1x02, when she's in coach's bed after coach goes off to see will. i felt so horrible for her. the repression and wanting something she can't have and having a moment where she can honor her feelings, pretend it's possible. heavily hurt for her and i adore her character so much. addy hanlon 4 life. all my homies hate coach french. title is from "talia" by king princess.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You should go to him,” Addy says, sitting on the edge of Coach French’s bed. Coach has her back turned, is messing with something on the dresser. Addy can see the long, sharp lines of her shoulder blades through her shirt. Each detail of Coach kills her a little more inside, the more she studies her. Adds more things to her mental list of, <em>this is what makes me die to touch her.</em></p><p> </p><p>Coach looks up, meets Addy’s eyes in the reflection of the dresser’s mirror. “What?”</p><p> </p><p>Addy smiles, soft. “Don’t miss your chance twice. Go.” Encouraging Coach to go be with Sarge Will, to let them have a moment that Addy, herself, desperately wants. “I’ll stay here, okay? I’ll watch your kid.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s like she’s letting Coach free, cutting a rope that ties her to a place she’s stuck in, telling her to run off and be happy. Even if it’s not with Addy, even if it’s not exactly how Addy wants to make her happy... she’s still making Coach happy. She’s still making her smile, those dimples poking her cheeks, usually-hardened face softening. Coach grabs her things and leaves, heads out the front door and Addy locks it behind her. A car starts, then she’s off to a lover. And it’s someone who’s actually a lover, doesn't only exist in fantasies - the way that Coach, as a lover, only exists in Addy's fantasies.</p><p> </p><p>Addy sighs, and the silence of the house is almost deafening. Coach’s kid is sound asleep in her room, has been for a while. The only noise Addy can hear is her own breathing coupled with her heartbeat that's pounding in her ears. She realizes that she’s practically all alone here. Free reign. Her intentions in sending Coach off to Sarge were good, yes, but she trails back to Coach’s bedroom, can’t help but be curious about what else lies there.</p><p> </p><p>She starts by tip-toeing through the bedroom, not quite snooping, just... taking it in. Coach is everywhere. She’s the decor, she’s the daylight coming through, warming the room. She’s the scent of a vanilla candle with an opened lid. The colors that surround Addy, how everything was likely thrown together by only Coach’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>Addy wonders further through the room, through the walk-in closet that leads into the bathroom. A stupidly long mirror lines a wall, and Addy catches her reflection, gets closer to it. The person staring back at her - she’s in an unfamiliar place, wondering how familiar it would feel if she could just have what she wants. The sink underneath her palms, she imagines brushing her teeth in the morning, bumping hips with Coach next to her. Or maybe at night, like routine, just before turning off all the lights and going to sleep right next to the woman she's dying to have. Needing nothing and nobody else. Addy doesn't think she's wanted something or someone this much before. </p><p> </p><p>(Except for Beth, once upon a time. Maybe Beth, still, somewhere in the back of her mind. It's weird now, but they'll deal. They always do, always finding a way back to each other. Going where the other leads.) </p><p> </p><p>Addy pushes back off the sink, turns and walks away, has to make that trek through the closet again to get back to Coach's room. Her arms are outstretched - only a little bit, the space is narrow - and her fingertips trace every piece of clothing hanging. She can tell which items belong to Coach and which items belong to <em> Mr. </em>Coach, just by the texture and length. It would be different if Addy lived here. They would all be about the same feel, however, the colors would be different. Addy's bright colors mixed with Coach's earth-tones. She thinks about the contrast of that, how it would be if this could be her space too. </p><p> </p><p>It's funny, it's not like Addy expects Coach to pick up her own life and drop it, let it smash into a million pieces on a high school gym floor, mixed with glitter and teeth and the bruises on everyone's bodies. To drop it all for Addy? This picture-perfect life she's built? Of course not. Earlier, though, in this very bedroom, a hand brushed Addy's curls away and then there was the way that Coach once said -<em> "do you ever want things you can't have?" </em> - and something about it makes Addy wonder… <em> is it just me? </em></p><p> </p><p>It has to be just her. </p><p> </p><p>Because. </p><p> </p><p>Sarge Will, a dream to every girl on the team, batting their lashes at him in the halls longing for a little bit of attention. All the while, unlike any of her teammates, Addy only has eyes for Coach, and Coach only has eyes for Will. It makes sense. It's Romeo and Juliet and belonging together and ever so star-crossed, with both of them model-pretty to boot. There’s history too, deep history that Coach told her all about on a drive home one day. Addy thinks they could be soulmates, often toys with the idea, it breaks her heart because it’s truer than any love that Addy and Coach could have.</p><p> </p><p>Addy has right now though, she has this moment - taking off her shoes and her sweatshirt, easing onto a bed, nestling right in the spot that Coach had cleared earlier where she’d tossed the throw pillows on one side to the floor to make a point. A point of routine, in and out of this life she hates, keeps that hate close to her chest. Only escapes it in the arms of a man from her past, the same man that Addy sent her off to. </p><p> </p><p><em> Anything to make Coach happy, </em> she tells herself, again and again.</p><p> </p><p>The sheets are soft and the comforter is softer. Coach is everywhere again. The threads that tie this bed perfectly together, a scent on a pillow - faint, Addy pressing her nose into it still. Her eyes are closed, back arched, she imagines every night here and every morning after. She can see the silhouette of Coach next to her if she tries hard enough, can almost feel it, a weight next to her. A gentle press of lips against her shoulder, “<em>Morning</em>,” she bets Coach would say, soft and hushed in the early hours. A day ahead of them that they would get through together. It’s bliss to Addy, thinking of a life together, she can damn near touch it right now. This is where it would happen, right here where her body tosses and turns as she gets lost in thought. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Do you ever want things you can’t have?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Addy's fingers skitter across her adjacent arm, in imitation of someone unattainable that's touching her instead.</p><p> </p><p>And God, does she ever want something she can't have.</p>
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